recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
