your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
