We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
