i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
