Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
