HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
