Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The struggles of a small town man whore
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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