at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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