Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
