why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
