Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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