just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
