Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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