i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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