Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
