She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
