Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
