So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
