Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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