I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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