my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
