just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
