Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
