cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
