while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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