ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
