I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
a search helicopter?!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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