He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
