I wish I could teleport
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
