Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
