and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize