I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
