the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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