The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
