i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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