I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
