So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
