that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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