My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
