my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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