I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
