I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize