I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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