did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
