Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
