ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
