his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
