He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
