Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
40s are totally the cure
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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