My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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