he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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