laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize