Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
this beer tastes like vomit already
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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