at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
