Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
