It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
