Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize