He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
