Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Sorry my hands just texted you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
