We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
