I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
