when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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